UNSUBSCRIBE

Things are often rather slow in the first couple of months of each year work-wise. I’m not bragging (haha) but often there’s a brief lull after the festive rollercoaster of solo business. Not always; sometimes I leave the tax return as a sticky, out-of-date treat for the last week of January instead of sensibly doing it when it’s fresh in May, there might be organisation and admin to catch up on after the Christmas rush, but generally it’s a time for catching up, doing jobs I have made myriad excuses not to do and looking hopefully at the year ahead. This year I even did a complete clear out of the home studio and did heaps of shredding, recycling, binning, reorganising and repairing. My laptop was sent away for two weeks to get a replacement battery and during that time I didn’t keep a close eye on my emails. The laptop returned and aside from the noticeable speed increase on my digital demands, 

I observed the sheer volume of subscriber emails I received. There were hundreds of them and they were almost all a complete waste of my time. 

I unearthed yet another generic email from a promotion company trying to furnish me with personalised plastic goods; mugs, four colour pens, cheap office equipment and other planet choking horrors. How have I managed to unwittingly sign up to so many of these companies that clog my inbox with trash I never even read? In fact, did I even sign up to them…? I feel like these emails are happening to me rather than I am choosing to receive them. The emails are almost invariably bursting with the promise of job opportunities, print deals, ‘unmissable’ products, workshops and petitions, but each one I clicked past made a tiny impression, left a micro-feeling that stayed with me and often stunk up my mood. It might make me feel guilty, harassed, stupid, behind the times, poor or just sad. Nothing kills my buzz like an urgent email about something I don’t want on ebay, or a depressing pesticide use petition update. OK, some automated emails are helpful, interesting and lead to positive interactions, but they are in the minority.

I took a stand. I started unsubscribing them. If they have no place in my life and only feel negative, they go.

 I think I have successfully jettisoned at least five or six since new year and I intend to continue until my inbox feels tidy. The best is yet to come. Now I have left those emails behind me, I have carved out little moments of time to be freed up for something else. I have created space, not only in my inbox but also in my mind, at my desk. There are so many things out of my control in life, but this feels like something I can have a say in and can opt out of. I’m attempting to escape the constant drain on my mental bandwidth and the leaking of attention into crevasses in my inbox. I want to cultivate my limited time and use it for good things. 

I’m clearing the deadwood of cybertrash to make way for the new growth of ideas, good moods, time away from a screen and just… not having to feel bad.

This clear out is a gift to my future self, a way of clearing things up so Rosie-two-months-from-now is unburdened by the micro-niggles of emails leaking persuasive junk. That’s the plan. Inevitably online purchases, petition signing and networking will lead to another infestation next year, but I’ll keep up my unsubscribing habit to meet it.  

2. BURNOUT

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A major project I was heavily involved in for a large part of 2016 was inspiring and huge in terms of scale for me as an artist as well as personally. Its focus was mental health and building an imagined positive future for its treatment and care. I got to meet incredible people and work with them. I learned such a lot, it was amazing.

However, it was during the course of the ten months of the project that I began to (ironically) notice my own mental health degrading. I’m not blaming the project entirely (it was many factors, being 31, being lonely at work, my perennially predictable creative existential crisis,

“what is the point of me?

and a general feeling of events being out of my control) but certainly the workload was staggering and I really struggled through a lot of late nights and early mornings, sometime drawing upwards of ten hours a day with very few breaks. My wrist felt like it belonged to someone else and I had a genuinely revolting blister peeking out from under the skin of my calloused finger. At one point my (utterly wonderful and understanding) husband, Joe was doing all the cooking and cleaning and evening tea-making as I only stopped to visit the toilet, to feed myself and then have fitful sleep. It sounds ridiculous, but the intensive drawing and emotional state I found myself in made me completely overwhelmed.

Freelancing can be lonely. Many self-employed folk are lucky to have varied jobs, stints in offices, travel, meetings and so on, but often I find myself on my own, in a chair, at a desk with only podcasts for company. (I can recommend some superb ones.) Now couple that feeling of being alone with having heaps of work to do and having no one to ask for help. Tight deadlines, important clients and this isn’t your only work. No one could take the work and help me do it, I couldn’t see a way out. I muddled through but near enough burnt myself out.

Things are better now.

I have my studio manager, Amy coming in to assist me one day a week – this makes such a difference. We chat, have a dance, listen to music, we talk about decisions I have trouble with, she makes suggestions and just takes some of the workload off me. I went for a round of CBT. I have brilliant people around me that understand these things. Now I take time. Even if I’m really busy (which is pretty often) if I feel myself spiraling into an anxiety whirlpool, I treat it like a cough. Stop. Have a cup of tea, take a couple of hours off. Go for a walk or rest. Sometimes I even dabble in deep breathing or meditation. If symptoms worsen, take some more time off. It’s all health, right? Hopefully with this approach I can stave off the worst of it, when I can’t remember how to sleep, have crippling IBS*, panic attacks and when I think no one likes me.

I’m not writing this for sympathy, or to show off how millennial I am, but to prove it’s OK to ask for help from people around you,

it’s OK to feel overwhelmed and it’s OK to talk about it.

To ‘admit’ it**. It should be something we can ‘own’, that we’re aware of and look out for, especially as so many people I know (whether they know it or would admit it) have suffered from some kind of mental health fade at some point.

*I was gluten free for nearly two years and it turns out I don’t have to be. I’m sensitive to wheat, but basically I was stressing my body into not working properly. Yup. Intense.

**I don’t like that word in this context. It implies guilt – should a person be ‘blamed’ for their mental health?

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